


Definitions of Love

by BadonKaDank



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Experimentation, F/M, Gen, Kissing, M/M, Mentions of Violence, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Post canon, Raijin Days, Time Skips, blood mention, minor injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-15 02:09:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14781602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadonKaDank/pseuds/BadonKaDank
Summary: The longer they knew each other, the more Shinra was convinced that his friend’s statement that he “loved all humans” was a lie, a front put up to protect his fragile little heart. Because Izaya did seem to favor some humans over others, and that group was much smaller than the whole of humanity he liked to ramble on about. Everything Izaya did seemed to be to get attention. It was as if without speaking he was screaming for someone to notice him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have been endlessly fascinated with Izaya and Shinra's relationship since I first watched the show (it only got worse after reading/watching their backstory), and I've wanted to explore the possible feelings between the two (platonic and otherwise), especially after Shinra's speech about Izaya having an easily breakable heart and all that. It took me a long time to get back into this fandom to write something, but here we are (in my late af fashion). Hope I do them some justice.

 

From the moment he'd met him, Shinra had known Izaya was bound to get into some crazy things when he got older. He'd been able to deduce that from his general observations of the teen even before they'd become friends. Izaya was not normal, and that made him destined for greatness.

It also made him dangerous.

That was something Shinra had gathered after he'd gotten to know the guy, though he supposed he should have seen it long before that. He'd been too fascinated with him, maybe, to realize the various other off things about him. Izaya had a habit of getting attached to things, but always kept them at a distance. He'd watched as Izaya would learn all he could about the people around him, forming bonds only he knew about, only to tear them down the next week, or drop them completely. He'd decided that was because Izaya was a complicated person who had difficulty allowing himself to become too invested in things.

Izaya had a fairly consistent pattern of growing fond of something and then rejecting it before long. It was like he was afraid something bad would happen if he stayed. It was a vicious cycle, and one he never strayed from, which was why Shinra was so quick to catch onto it.

He'd never understood Izaya's interest in certain people, so he understood even less when after a while, when Izaya stopped caring for singular people and shifted his attention to humanity as a general whole. That seemed to ease something inside of him though, and Shinra had been able to observe his friend's saboteur nature mellow out, even if it hadn't dissipated completely. It was then that Shinra noticed the most important things about Izaya. Specifically, how delicate Izaya was, given the ways that he "loved" others.

Izaya's love was like a drug, but one that only affected Izaya himself.

It was intense and addictive, and if he allowed himself to get hooked on it, Shinra bet his friend would most likely be suffocated and killed. Izaya loved with everything in himself until it hurt. It was destructive, the kind of love he wielded- it was as if he wasn't sure how to contain himself, overwhelmed as he was by his feelings, that he let it consume him or the people around him.

Shinra guessed that was why he'd shifted over to pretending to love all of humanity equally, because that way all his love could be directed at something abstract; there was no single person to love when all of humanity was around, and there was no chance for rejection and pain if his love was directed at people who didn't even know he existed, so he no longer had to wreck others to protect himself. Although, he still did take job in toying with others' emotions, so maybe there was more to that than Shinra could completely grasp.

And maybe it was true that Izaya loved people -at the very least he did a good job of fooling himself of that truth- but Shinra doubted it. There were plenty of people Izaya couldn't stand, Nakura and Shizuo came to mind. Yet even when they were brought into the picture, Izaya denied being able to hate humans. He didn't buy it, and he wasn't certain if that was because he couldn't fathom loving so many people, or if he was confident in his knowledge of Izaya that it was hard to believe his claims, but it didn't really matter.

The longer they knew each other, the more Shinra was convinced that his friend's statement that he "loved all humans" was a lie, a front put up to protect his fragile little heart. Because Izaya did seem to favor some humans over others, and that group was much smaller than the whole of humanity he liked to ramble on about. Everything Izaya did seemed to be to get attention. It was as if without speaking he was screaming for someone to notice him. Maybe anyone paying him attention would have made Izaya happy, but Shinra hadn't missed the way his eyes would brighten when he specifically was the one to give him his notice.

Yeah, he'd be a real ditz if he hadn't payed attention to the little things Izaya had done once in awhile to grab his notice. It was as though the guy was utterly fascinated with him, yet had no idea how to show it. That was fine with Shinra though, because Izaya was pretty interesting himself- he and Shizuo were the only ones he'd been able to begin considering real friends, after all. It was harder for him to completely feel true comradery with Shizuo (he was intrigued by the blonde and wanted nothing more than to cut him up, but according to Celty, that didn't sound like real friendship), but Izaya… Izaya was like his exact opposite, loving people and hating monsters while Shinra's heart went out to those monsters, completely ignoring humanity as a whole. Izaya was someone he could understand in a roundabout way, and he'd started genuinely enjoying his company, especially when he showed up injured. Injured Izaya always made him perk up, because then they got to talk about Shizuo's inhuman strength, anatomy, and of course, it gave him someone he could gush about Celty to.

Izaya never did seem to care for conversations once Celty joined the mix, unless it was to discuss the mythology behind her kind, but Shinra didn't care so long as the guy sat and listened. Izaya usually did, though there were days lately that he would get up as soon as Shinra had finished stitching him and take his leave with a huffy air following him. He seemed to be bothered by Celty talk more and more, and Shinra couldn't understand why that was. After all, if not Celty, what was there to talk about?

That brought him back around to Izaya's love. Because despite being upset over Shinra's constant discussion of Celty and his love for the headless woman, Izaya had been over to his house more frequently than ever before in the recent days, with injuries telling stories of how recklessly he'd been acting to boot.

Shinra prodded at the bruised patch of skin on Izaya's chest as he thought about that, earning a slight hiss from his friend. It was clear there was a cracked rib and Shinra had zero doubts that the injury had been caused by Shizuo throwing something at Izaya. He wondered what would have done that sort of minimal damage- most likely a sign post, since that was the blonde's weapon of choice as of late. It could've been worse, and Shinra was a little disappointed that it wasn't.

On top of that, Izaya also had numerous cuts and scrapes all over his arms and face, as well as a ripped pant leg that revealed a steadily bleeding laceration. Everything matched the story Izaya had given him about climbing over a fence and losing his balance, because apparently even he had his moments of gracelessness. Shinra smirked at the mental image of Izaya teetering over the edge of a wired fence and losing his balance because of a sore shoulder and chest. Served him right for provoking Shizuo for the third time in a week. He'd live at any rate, but his leg would need stitches. Again.

Shinra bet Izaya liked that sort of thing. He was a good percentage sure that Izaya was a masochist, doomed to live a life of constant hurt that he chose to enjoy. Which was weird and sort of funny because he knew the last thing Izaya claimed to enjoy was pain.

That thought made him chuckle softly and he didn't have to see Izaya's face to know he was giving him a confused look.

"You know, I've decided you like it when Shizuo hits you."

Izaya scoffed and Shinra did look up to see the smirk gracing his friend's sharp face. "You got me, it gets me all warm inside when the beast loses his temper."

Shinra laughed and gave Izaya's shoulder a short pat before getting up to grab the things he needed to patch him up. It was always fun when he played along.

"You just run because you want to give him a good look at your tiny butt, huh?"

Shinra caught the small "ew" that Izaya uttered before following up with a much louder: "You've discovered my secret, Shinra! Now what am I to do? Surely you'll go spilling my secret to anyone willing to listen to your inane ramblings!"

Shinra cracked a grin and sighed as he came back over to sit beside his friend. "Nah, I'll keep quiet. Wouldn't want Shizuo going on a lust-fueled rampage."

Izaya scrunched his nose in disgust at the suggestion which only made Shinra grin wider. He couldn't deny that there was something hilarious about getting past Izaya's cool demeanor to find the human underneath who hated Shizuo a lot more than he let on. He had to admit, it was a petty gross suggestion, even if was only a joke. Once upon a time he might have imagined his two friends getting along, but now the idea that they could be within fifty feet of each other and not try to start a fight was laughable.

They sat in silence for a moment after that and Shinra got to work disinfecting the various cuts over his friend's arms. His elbows were in the nastiest state of all, but he'd still seen a lot worse when it came to Izaya, so he went to scrubbing the dirt out of them with very little tenderness. Izaya grunted in response to the treatment but didn't protest it. He did speak though, picking up where Shinra had left them off.

"Who knows though, if Shizu-chan got too rough with me I might have to come see you again."

"I'd turn you away," Shinra stated, not caring if it would offend Izaya, "I wouldn't want to deal with you in that state. The only person I could ever think of touching is my dear Celty."

He shuddered at the idea and Izaya hummed in response. "I guess I'd die, then."

Shinra rolled his eyes at the drama he had to listen to. Anyone with half a brain knew Izaya was petrified of death after all, so there was no way he'd allow himself to go out like that. So him implying that he'd just accept his fate was ridiculous. Still, since they were just joking around he decided not to ruin the moment.

"You'd resign yourself to death because I refuse to touch you? Woooow, Izaya, I didn't realize you were so into the doctor/patient kink."

"You're the only doctor who can touch me."

He said it so softly Shinra thought perhaps he'd imagined it, because for one, Izaya didn't talk like that too often, and for two, it was out of character for him to admit something like that. But as soon as he looked up and saw Izaya averting his gaze, a dusting of pink across his cheeks, he knew he'd heard correctly, and just like that, the joking and games were over. Izaya still tried to piece things back together with the awkward pieces though, as was his MO.

"But we both know Shizu-chan wouldn't dare try anything like that. Ha! Could you imagine the brute even being able to get close enough? You're hilarious, Shinra."

And there it was, the playing off and pushing away. Avoidance of the issue for the sake of sparing a brittle heart any kind of distress. Shinra toyed with the idea of letting it go, because it had just been an accidental slip of the tongue, but the idea of continuing to mess with Izaya, of making him confront that nasty part of him that seemed to love one thing more than all of humanity equally, was too good. After all, how many times had his friend done it to him and the people around them?

"I'm the only one who can touch you, eh?"

He swiped an alcohol swab across the scrape on his palm just to watch Izaya wince while his expression shifted momentarily to something uncomfortable. His friend replaced that face with something more impassive a second later, but Shinra saw right through that, just like he saw through Celty's attempts to pretend she didn't notice him. Izaya seemed to be aware he'd said something silly and was trying his best to pretend it had never happened. It was like he didn't remember who he was sitting next to all of the sudden- like he didn't know Shinra wasn't going to let him off the hook that easily.

He wiped some blood off of a cut on Izaya's shoulder and leaned in a little further, smiling innocently when Izaya leaned back.

"Why is that, Orihara?"

Izaya sighed heavily after a moment, the sound exasperated more than anything, and he waved his free hand through the air nonchalantly as he spoke. "Well, you are my only doctor. I don't think my parents would appreciate paying for a new one."

"Oh really? That's the only reason?"

He knew Izaya cared about him as someone different from the rest of his humans at the very least, but he had a sneaking suspicion there was more to it than that. Maybe he was just another insect for Izaya to study that deviated from the norm and thus got special attention, but even that didn't always explain the little looks he'd sometimes catch the other boy sending his way. He got the feeling there was something about it that Izaya hadn't or wouldn't even let himself acknowledge. Why else would he feel the need to provoke Shizuo so often he landed himself in Shinra's house?

As much as he may have teased about him being a masochist, Shinra knew Izaya didn't actually like any kind of pain, even if physical was prefered over emotional when he had to choose between the lesser of two evils. He also knew that Izaya was much faster than Shizuo could ever hope to be, so there was no way he was getting caught and injured as many times as we was unless he was permitting it- if that wasn't exactly what he wanted. Izaya's love was destructive, after all. Self-destructive, to be more precise. He just didn't know how to handle emotions most of the time. Maybe it was the one thing he'd never learned how to do. Shinra wondered if he'd ever pick it up. He had hope that he might. They were all still pretty young, so there was the possibility that it would happen.

There was no time to start lessons like that than the present. Besides, he wasn't about to let Izaya go with the crappy excuse of his. Shinra knew he didn't care about using and wasting his family money.

He leaned in to wipe clean the cut on Izaya's face and sanguine eyes locked with his. He could see Izaya's neck shift when he swallowed and Shinra smirked. He'd never studied this aspect of his friend before, and he might have left it alone had Izaya not presented him with a golden opportunity to look into it. He'd suspected that Izaya felt the same biological urges everyone else did, but he'd never seen him act different around girls (or boys for that matter), nor had Izaya ever bragged to him about any conquests- something he didn't doubt he'd do. It was difficult to peg, whether Izaya had the capacity to feel stuff like that, if he even cared, but the moment he caught the his friend's eyes darting to his mouth and back up again he knew he was correct in assuming Izaya was normal in that area of life.

He knew he was being cruel. If Celty were around, she might've told him as much, but she wasn't, so he was safe to be himself. Izaya knew his true nature and had never resented him for it. If anything, Shinra was positive it was his nature that lured Izaya to him in the first place.

Izaya didn't seem to be bothered by any of what he was doing, either. Sure, he was holding himself a little stiffer than normal and his breath had hitched once or twice, but he hadn't told him to back away, nor had he pushed him off. It would be interesting to see if he did, or if he just sat there. Or maybe he'd be brave enough to try and make a move.

In all honesty, Shinra was surprised he hadn't tried to kiss him. He could see that Izaya had at least been thinking about it. Heck, he still was. Shinra wasn't quite sure how he would respond if his friend chose to give into his impulses. His heart belonged to Celty, it was true, but he would be lying to himself if he hadn't wondered what it would be like to be the one to steal Izaya's first kiss. It wasn't a thought that kept him up at night, but he couldn't deny that Izaya was attractive, as far as boys went, and he was a male going through puberty, after all. Those sorts of questions and impulses were normal.

He wondered if Izaya knew that, or if he was still just sitting there because he was shocked. That wonder stretched out even further and morphed into morbid curiosity when Izaya blinked out of his stupor and his expression smoothed out until he was smirking again, the way his lips pulled dangerously sharp at the corners letting him know he'd thought up something clever.

"Shinra, I think I have a proposition for you."

Shinra found his mouth mirroring his friend's and he put a hand on his hip. He wasn't sure he should be letting Izaya change the subject when he had the potential of being close to some interesting answers regarding the male's mental processing, but his desire to know what Izaya was saying won over.

"Oh yeah?"

Izaya hummed in assent and when he spoke again, it was in a hushed, conspiratory sort of tone. Shinra resisted the urge to lean in any closer to hear him.

"We haven't conducted any proper experiments for biology club yet."

The statement was so far from what he'd been thinking about that Shinra momentarily felt like the tables had been turned on him, and he had no clue where Izaya's brain was anymore. That was always good fun though, and Shinra decided to keep going with it to find out just what Izaya was getting at.

"You're right, we haven't."

"We should do an experiment," Izaya went on, sounding as casual as the weatherman in the mornings, "regarding human attraction."

"Oh?" Shinra tilted his head and when Izaya nodded and shrugged. So that was how any of this related to what he'd brought up. Now knowing what his friend was getting at was nice, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to give Izaya a hard time. He wanted to see him squirm a little more- it was fun. After that, he could decide whether or not to go through with it. "Well, I don't know if Celty is ready to feel the throes of my passion yet, but if you wanted to help it happen, I wouldn't be opposed to letting you watch. It would be pretty scientifically fascinating."

"That's not what I mean." Izaya sounded disgusted and annoyed for a second and Shinra applauded himself for eliciting such a reaction from the normally impassive male. He knew there was no love lost between his friend and his fairy lady, and he liked to take the chance to exploit that whenever he could. He could not fathom why Izaya didn't like Celty, and yet liked the idea of what she stood for. It made no sense to him.

"Then you're going to have to tell me what you mean, Orihara. I'm not a mind reader, y'know."

Izaya grabbed his wrist when he went to scrub at his elbow once more and Shinra raised an eyebrow at the action. Izaya normally wasn't so grabby, he was more like oil, slipping through everyone's fingers when they entertained the thought that they could get near him.

"I'm saying I want to see if I can make you to forget about that Dullahan. Think of it as me being your lab rat."

Shinra blinked a bit, surprised though he didn't show it, because he knew it wouldn't do to let Izaya see his initial reaction. Izaya knew how he felt about the headless rider, so he would have to know that no matter what he tried, nothing would change that. He wouldn't deny that the idea of Izaya willing being a lab-anything was intriguing, especially when they would be testing something he'd been more and more curious about the older he got. Human attraction was a strange and sometimes fickle thing, and while he knew he was attracted to women -thank you, Celty- he had begun considering the possibility of liking men too. It did make him curious, even as he knew that no matter what happened, his love for Celty would endure. It had throughout the last few years, and he doubted anything would change that.

Still, it was interesting him more and more. However, when he reminded himself that Izaya was also not someone to do something out of the goodness of his heart, he paused. Given what the conversation had been only moments ago, he wanted to know what the other thought he would be getting out of the experiment before he signed onto anything.

Izaya shrugged when Shinra voiced the question. "If I can get you to fall for me, I'll have the pleasure of breaking your heart. Then you can tell to me why people want so badly to die after someone they love leaves them. I can't seem to understand it, no matter how many people I talk to. It doesn't make any sense."

He trailed off, sounding pensive and Shinra nodded slowly. Admittedly, that sounded like an interesting proposition, and he was sorely tempted to accept it right there and then, but something stopped him. It was something that nagged at him the moment Izaya had brought the experiment up: What had caused Izaya to ask now? Why the sudden interest? Sure, he'd known the guy at least viewed him as different from the rest of their classmates because they'd had some talks since befriending one another, but he had only just recently started wondering if Izaya felt something a bit beyond that initial fascination. The shift had been after he'd taken a knife to the gut for his friend, so maybe he was reading too much into it… maybe instead of something like love, Izaya was feeling guilt, and didn't know how to handle that emotion very well either. Shinra couldn't be sure, seeing as he was an expert in neither field.

He was suspicious, sure, now in that moment more than ever, but he still had nothing confirmed, and as a scientist-of-sorts, that troubled him.

"And have you thought about what you'll do if you end up falling for me, instead?"

Izaya barked a small laugh and Shinra found himself flinching back slightly when his friend brought his fingers up to flick him in the forehead.

"Silly Shinra," he sang, "that won't be a problem at all. You're not my type."

Well, then that certainly cleared a lot up. Izaya liked him as a friend, and was further into him because he'd gotten stabbed for him. Shinra thought maybe he was lying, but he wasn't about to call Izaya out on it, because it didn't really matter to him whether the guy like-liked him or not. As long as he kept it to himself, that would be fine. He only had eyes for one person, and she was out doing her job and being amazing.

He almost sighed at the thought of his black clad lady, but brought himself back to reality instead to snort at Izaya. He wouldn't say his interest in the proposition was diminished with the realization that he couldn't toy with Izaya's emotions the way his friend was wanting to toy with his, but he was nonetheless curious to know how Izaya planned to get that ball rolling on his plan.

"And how do you think you'll get me to "fall in love" with you?"

Izaya gave the question only a second of thought before shrugging nonchalantly. "We could start with something that the Dullahan will never be able to do with you, headless as she is."

Filled with a sudden defensiveness for Celty, Shinra puffed his chest out and scowled at Izaya. He knew Izaya, while endlessly intrigued by the idea of an afterlife that Celty presented, didn't particularly like the woman for her personality, and he would take any chance he saw to take a dig at her. As her future husband, he could not stand by and listen to that sort of talk. Besides, there was more to his fairy than a face to suck. Izaya didn't seem to understand that, though, which helped Shinra to better believe that Izaya had never truly been in love. He would know, otherwise, how ridiculous the notion was.

"You should know that I don't need to kiss Celty to love her." He stated, "I'm not so shallow. Besides, I've told you before: I'm not interested in someone with a head."

Izaya pursed his lips and nodded slowly. Shinra didn't miss the way his eyes narrowed but he couldn't decipher the meaning behind the miniscule expression. It made him wonder what was going on in his mind right then.

"So," his friend finally said, "you refuse to do the experiment."

"I didn't say that."

Shinra was almost surprised by his hastiness, but it was too late to backtrack so he went with it. It was true, he still hadn't said yes or no to Izaya's proposal, and with every second that passed, he was leaning more towards a "yes," even though his friend had just insulted the love of his life. He supposed he could understand Izaya's blase attitude towards the whole thing, though, because he never had been so wholeheartedly devoted to someone the way Shinra was to Celty, so he had no clue what the fuss was about.

Who knew, maybe he was just the least bit sexually frustrated because of that, too. That was something Shinra could understand, and suddenly he felt a little pity towards his friend.

"Well, then what are you saying?" Izaya frowned and tilted his head. "Quit being so you for five seconds and give me an answer, Kishitani."

He almost sounded desperate. Almost. It may have been that there was no other word that Shinra could think of, or that may have been exactly Izaya's tone of voice, but either way it was enough of a shock to him so he didn't immediately answer. He could not honestly say he'd ever heard Izaya sound so exasperated over a topic he'd personally brought up. It was like he was holding his breath waiting for an answer and every moment Shinra left them in silence he found it harder to breathe. Or perhaps he was simply waxing poetic and Izaya was just impatient because of his injuries that he had yet to fully patch up. That seemed the more likely scenario.

Still, he seemed a bit desperate, and Shinra could only remember one other time he'd heard his friend in such a state. He thought back to that brief moment after Nakura had stabbed him, when Izaya had been at his side trying to figure out what he was supposed to do, looking for all the world like the worried kid he actually was. This was like that moment all over again, though this time Izaya had walls up, and the honest inquisitive look that might have been in his eyes was guarded.

He contemplated refusing to answer and leaving the question in the air- leaving Izaya with the knowledge that even if he'd denied liking him, he'd at least admitted that he was interested in doing some questionable experimentation with him. However, his scientifically curious side won him over that time because he would be lying if he said he didn't want to see how far Izaya would go to get his mind off of Celty. He doubted they would get very far, because once Izaya realized that Shinra was loyal to the person he loved, he'd grow bored and leave him alone.

So, in the long run, the experiment wouldn't do anything to harm Shinra, and he'd hopefully end up with a deeper understanding of Izaya for the trouble, which would in turn please Celty, because they would seem closer as friends. On top of that, he was interested in seeing how Izaya planned to try and get him to lose his interest in Celty- a feat Shinra already knew was doomed to fail, even as it might be fun. He just hoped Izaya didn't end up destroying himself too much in the process.

"Okay, I'll do it."

He smiled when narrowed eyes widened a fraction and Shinra took Izaya's momentary surprise to get his wrist released from his friend's grip. He took that same opportunity to put a hand on Izaya's shoulder so the other couldn't shift away from him when he leaned back into his personal space. He knew Izaya wasn't going to back out of this when it was his idea to start with, but Shinra still felt the need to keep a hold on him, just in case.

Izaya snapped out of wherever his mind had wandered a second later and began moving like he was trying to decide what he was supposed to do with his hands. Shinra watched those movements, amusement coursing through him as he watched his friend's stiff and awkward motions, ingraining the image into his brain because it was the first time Izaya had ever moved in such a way. He imagined it would also be the last. He gave him a moment to figure his limbs out, and when Izaya finally did, he settled for keeping one hand by his side and moving the other to grab one of the open sides of his lab coat.

Shinra chuckled softly at him and Izaya rolled his eyes, the mask he now wore impenetrable- Shinra wouldn't have been able to guess what he was thinking in that moment if he'd wanted to. It was weird how that made the whole thing exciting to him, like it really was some science experiment and not a friend trying to manipulate the feelings of another. Shinra wondered how much more exciting it would be when he was in the same situation with Celty someday if he felt like this now.

The thought made him sigh longingly and close his eyes as Izaya pulled him down a little in order to press his lips against his.

It was a chaste kind of kiss, though Izaya did let himself linger, and Shinra couldn't help but note how much softer his friend's lips were than he would've imagined. Warmer, too. It was funny, how he'd almost been expecting them to be as cold as Izaya pretended to be. He couldn't say the experience was unpleasant, all things considered, but whatever Izaya might have been hoping to make him feel -butterflies, longing, lust- wasn't there. It was just a kiss. A weird kiss, because he'd never dreamed that his first time doing something like that would be with Izaya Orihara of all people, but… it was also a nice kiss. But it was also nothing more than that.

When Izaya pulled back, Shinra made sure to do the same, and the two stared at each other for a length of time that almost turned uncomfortable, but that Izaya saved by wiping his mouth off and sighing heavily.

"Well, that was not at all enlightening. I don't know why people like doing that."

Shinra hummed. He couldn't completely agree with his friend on that one, because even though he hadn't gotten any feelings from kissing him, it had gotten him thinking about Celty, and how he wouldn't be able to kiss her, and how maybe that was a little bit of a loss. He'd get over it, because there were plenty of other things they could do together that didn't require her to have lips, but still, Izaya had drawn his attention to something nice that he would probably never again have. He wasn't going to tell any of that to Izaya though, because the last thing he needed was to give his friend hope for future experimental success when there would be none.

"Yup, that was pretty disappointing."

He decided around then that it would be a good time to get back to getting bandages wrapped around the tender patches of exposed skin on Izaya's arms before moving to stitch up his leg. "I guess Celty really is the only one for me."

Izaya chuckled and Shinra glanced up to see the male throwing him a long-suffering look. "I almost feel sorry for the monster."

Shinra nodded in agreement with that sentiment before smiling a little, finishing up his ministrations to Izaya's skin. From the way Izaya was talking, it seemed like the strange air that had been surrounding them had finally dissipated, leaving them with banter that felt old and familiar.

Still, he wanted to check and see if Izaya got the same feelings he had.

"So, you gonna give up then?"

Izaya scoffed at the idea and stood up now that he was no longer bleeding. "C'mon Shinra, you know I'm not likely to call it quits after one failed test. There are still plenty of things I haven't tried out yet."

"Oh yeah?" Shinra teased, "Like what?"

"That's for me to know, and you to find out."

Izaya flicked the rim of his glasses so that they fell down his nose and then skipped out the front door with a short snicker. Shinra shook his head after his friend and tried not to think too hard on what he would have waiting in store for him when he went to school in the morning.

He just hoped Izaya wasn't too serious about his endeavors.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Shinra knew why people felt like they would die when someone they loved left them. It was something Izaya had never been able to understand when they were young- heck, maybe it was something he'd never understood. Shinra didn't think he'd ever explained it to him either way. He knew, though, the answer to his friend's question. When someone left you, it hurt. It hurt so much that you couldn't breathe, or eat, or sleep, or even dream of a future in which you didn't hurt because of their absence.

He knew all of that because that was how he'd felt at the prospect of losing Celty, and unlike the teenagers Izaya had toyed with, he may have actually gone through with the whole dying thing if she'd decided to leave him. After all, without her, what was there for him to live for?

But she'd stayed. Sure, she was furious with him to the point they weren't really speaking, but she wasn't leaving either, so Shinra would live. He'd assumed that she would stay with him despite how cruelly he'd acted towards her, and how selfish he'd been, because he knew that was just who Celty was. She didn't abandon the ones she loved, even when those people were more monstrous than she. It was just another reason Shinra loved her.

Shinra didn't think he'd ever explained any of that to Izaya, either.

The thought nudged something within him and Shinra felt his heart constrict oddly.

He'd gotten the call from Kadota two days ago, explaining what had happened between Shizuo and Izaya. How Shizuo had finally caught Izaya, and Izaya had finally lost. How nobody had been able to find Izaya since then.

Shinra didn't remember how or when that call ended after that. He'd been unsure of how he should've felt about the information. He'd always bet that eventually either Izaya or Shizuo would snap and they would end up killing one another, so hearing that it had finally happened… well, it hadn't surprised him. What surprised him was the fact that Izaya had tried to go up against Shizuo in a physical one-on-one fight and thought he could make it out alive. He'd had to have known it was a suicide mission.

Perhaps that was exactly what it had been. Perhaps Izaya  _had_  known that. Perhaps he'd finally stopped caring. They had all reached the point where Izaya was no longer the most important person in their lives- well, Shinra had reached that point the moment Celty began paying him the slightest bit of attention, but the others had still indulged the informant. But it seemed after some time, apparently even Shizuo had found someone that wasn't Izaya to take up his time. That, and Saika had taken a lot of "his" humans. Maybe it had all gotten to be too much for his friend and Izaya had snapped. Shinra supposed he'd never know now.

He hadn't told Celty of the broker's fate yet. She had never liked Izaya, and at the moment, she didn't really like him either, so he doubted she would give one iota to whether he lived or died. If he was honest with himself, Shinra was surprised he'd given so much time already to thinking about Izaya, wondering if he was actually dead, or if he'd snuck off to get patched up…

If there was still someone out there willing to help him.

_I'm right here._

If he could've seen his friend right then, maybe he would've said that. It kind of stung, hearing that Izaya had been fatally injured and he hadn't bothered limping over to get help. It brought back memories long forgotten, of when Izaya had once admitted that he'd never allow another doctor near him. Maybe anger was what he was feeling towards his friend. Anger that he hadn't come to him in his time of need. Although, at the same time, Shinra decided it probably wasn't anger stirring within him, because he doubted he would've had much time to help Izaya if he had shown up at his door. Having just gotten Celty back and all the responsibilities that came with that, he hadn't been in much of a mood to deal with anyone else. If Izaya was still out there, maybe he'd deduced that, and that was why he'd not come knocking.

That didn't explain why he hadn't taken the time to give him a call and let him know he was still alive and kicking.

That was what concerned Shinra the most. Izaya had never been shy about bugging him over the smallest of things -like informing of a rather nasty papercut- or the bigger ones, like when he'd been stabbed and had called him from the hospital. The fact that he hadn't so much as sent him a text made Shinra begin to believe the rumors that the informant had finally been taken down in every sense of the manner.

He shouldn't have been bothered by that, though. Shinra had always appreciated Izaya's friendship, because without it, Celty may never have approved of him and gotten close to him, but Shinra hadn't really thought his feelings extended past that line. Yet he couldn't deny that he did feel something, and it was beyond the sympathy he sometimes felt for the people who lost loved ones in his office.

No, what he felt was closer to what he imagined he'd have felt if Celty actually had gotten mad enough to leave him for good. Well… maybe it wasn't that bad, but… Shinra's frown deepened as he settled on the couch. It was impossible to deny that he felt the smallest bit of upset when he thought about Shizuo killing his best friend- And that was what Izaya had been, wasn't it? Now that he thought about it, no other word really fit. They'd always referred to one another as friends, but in the beginning, that had only been because Shinra had been encouraged to find humans he could get along with. After all, Shizuo had been one of those humans and he had never made it past the more-or-less superficial friendship stage.

Izaya, though, that was another story. Izaya was the one who had understood him, even if he hadn't agreed with his choice in partner- being as uninterested in "monsters" as he was contributed to that, probably. Izaya had been interesting from day one and had never really stopped fascinating him, though he had eventually stopped paying so much attention to the man. He had wormed his way past "friend" and moved up the chain without Shinra's say so, which he supposed was typical Izaya fashion, so he couldn't even be mad about that.

Shinra tried to recall the time when he'd first noticed that change in status but found he couldn't pinpoint the exact moment. One day their dynamic had just… shifted. It hadn't been a huge shift either, but it had been noticeable enough that his beloved, and even his father, had commented on it, asking when he and Izaya had gotten so close. The way they'd said it had made Shinra feel the need to defend his choice in picking Izaya to remain loyal to. His dad had laughed. Celty had only shook her neck and walked off.

They hadn't been able to understand, which was fine, because neither had Shinra.

He dozed off while thinking about how he'd gotten entangled in the life if his probably-dead-friend, and when he woke again, it was because images of a much younger, happier Izaya, grinning secretly before leaning in much too close to his face taunted him.

Shinra shifted on the couch so his legs were on the floor and he could rest his head in his hands, a heavy sigh dragging itself from his lungs. He'd forgotten about that. Not about that day, but about that kiss. In the long run it hadn't meant anything for him or his future relationships with anyone. It hadn't changed his and Izaya's friendship in any drastic sort of way -though it had changed it-, and it hadn't given him any more sexual experience than he could've gotten on his own. The moment had not made a huge impact on him. At least, he'd thought that up until right then.

He felt almost guilty for remembering it, but then he realized that while Celty was out of the house, checking up on Shizuo and sorting through her feelings, it didn't really matter what things he thought about. In fact, now that he thought about it, nothing mattered. Everything that had been building up within the city had finally come to a head, there were no more wars, or patients to look after, or schemes to be pulled into. There were no trains that needed catching, or wounds that needed tending to, or fights to break up. There was no Izaya, after all. So nothing of that regard really mattered.

It didn't matter if he remembered the day they kissed, or the days after that. It didn't matter if he decided that was the day he'd started liking Izaya as a friend even more, because he'd gotten to see a side of him that nobody else had. It didn't matter that through the crazy antics Izaya had pulled after that moment, he'd gotten him to fall for him just enough to consider him the second most important person to him after Celty. It didn't matter because…

Because Izaya was more than likely dead by now.

That thought made his heart pang sadly in his chest and he wondered when his dearest Dullahan would be back so that he could ask her how to get rid of the ugly dark thing that was clawing at his eyes and making them mist up behind his glasses. He wanted her back because he couldn't stand the sudden wave of pain that hit him and made him want to curl up on the couch and sob until his throat ached. He wanted her to get home already so he could beg her to find Izaya, because the bastard had been right- he had been able to get him to love him. Maybe not in the way he'd originally intended, but perhaps in the way he'd needed all along. And right then, he didn't care if he never spoke to Izaya again, he just wanted a definite answer of whether or not he was alive, because it was the not knowing that was going to kill him, and if anything, it made him miss him even more.

He didn't call Celty though, because she'd told him she would be back when she was back and to not call her, and it would be a bad idea to ignore her wishes after taking her head away in what was possibly the most selfish moment of his life.

Shinra took a deep breath to halt the hitch in his throat instead, and resisted the urge to lay down on the couch and give into his desire to mourn. He couldn't do something like that now, because he didn't know whether or not the reaction was warranted yet. He refused to cry for Izaya Orihara when he didn't even know for sure if there was need to.

Maybe, just maybe, the reason he hadn't gotten a call yet was because his injuries had been bad enough that he couldn't use his arms. Maybe he'd fallen into a coma. Shinra could only hope.

He didn't know who had the information he was looking for at that point, but that didn't stop him from pulling his phone out and looking for a familiar name. He settled on Simon first and clicked the call button. If anyone would have any idea where Izaya might be, dead or alive, it would probably be him. For some reason Izaya had grown to trust the Russian just a little. But a little trust from Izaya was all it would take, Shinra hoped.

One way or another, Shinra would find his reckless excuse of a friend, because if he was alive, he had a lot of explaining to do, and if he wasn't… well, Shinra supposed he'd been promised a body…

(He ignored the sniffle that escaped him when he thought about that and did his best to sound chipper when Simon finally answered.)


End file.
